Jakarta Casual

Following the decision by Malaysian owners to change the colours and crest of Cardiff City I have decided the time is ripe to move into football ownership.

I have long been mulling this over as I look for something to amuse me in my dotage and with the publicity surrounding the Cardiff City story now seems the perfect opportunity.

For those just awakening from hibernation, Cardiff City have announced they want to change their club colours from blue to red. The logic for this, sorry, I know there is no logic this far east, is that successful teams wear red. Successful teams like Brazil, Inter Milan, Real Madrid.

Another reason for the change is because Chinese people like the colour red. They associate it with wealth and happiness, inextricably linked in many eyes.

The Bluebird on the club crest is also to be got rid of. Instead they want to have a dragon.

So a Welsh club is looking to wear red shirts with a dragon on the badge. Wrexham already do this but hey! No one is asking them.

It's fine to reposition a product to pander to a new market but Cardiff's owners are greatly mistaken if Asians are suddenly going to give up on Liverpool and Manchester United and start following a team they have never heard of just because they wear the right colour. That is naive. They support teams that win and if Cardiff lose year on year who will be left to support the team? Not the folk in KL or Singapore, that's for sure.

Anyway, back to me.

I have decided to buy the incredibly stupidly named PBDKT T Team who play in the Malaysia Super League.

As far as I can make out there are no teams in Malaysia that appeal to foreign supprters. I'm gonna change this. T Team are going to change their name. And badge. And city. And city. I'm gonna rename them Melchester Rovers and the new manager will be a cardboard cut out of Roy Race. And I guarantee there will be no interference in team matters from me. None at all. Because I'll be too busy imbibing the finest products from the club sponsors...yummy, beer!

Terengganu doesn't offer much in the way of night life so I'm going to move the club. To Jakarta. Much better nightlife and the taxis are decent.

At the moment the club colours are as dull as the club name, black and white, but I'm going to put a stop to that. They're gonna have Melchester's famous red and yellow and the badge will be a British Bulldog holding a beer in one hand taking a piss on a guy wearing a black beret and a black and white hooped t shirt.

If the T Team supporters, both of them don't like it...well tough. I have already sent off my payment; a postal order for 37 pence and a packet of fig rolls.