Tuesday, April 27, 2010


Dear Football Club Owner

I would like to be considered for the position of Football Manager in your esteemed club/association. Yes, I know you haven't advertised the vacancy but I have heard you got rid of the last unfortunate and anyway this is the 21st century. Surely institutionalized omerta is a thing of the past. Isn't it?

I think I am perfectly qualified for the job. I have a big body which I means I should get to feature prominently on the bench and I will get lots of TV coverage which will help the team.

I also have many mobile phones. This means I can look exceedingly busy when the camera is focusing on me and, perhaps more importantly, I can easily pass instructions to the coach while I am sat in the VIP stand with very important people. Obviously if I can tell the coach to make a substitution and we win the game this means I look big and powerful which also helps the club.

I also have many good friends in good jobs. For example I have a brother who owns hotels throughout the region and we can get good rates at his chain. For example if we have a game in Jakarta we could stay in Sukabumi, if we play in Bangkok we could stay in Saraburi and if we play in Singapore we could stay in Batam. See, we can save money on hotels which also helps the club.

I also know a bit about training methods because one of my girlfriends used to work at Gold's Gym. It is very important players spend as much time as possible doing stamina work and places like Sukabumi are perfect because they have lots of hills. Improving the players fitness levels also improves the club's health.

I am a firm believer in delegation and I would allow the coach to do whatever he wishes with the players I have given him. I know lots about football because I play Football Manager computer game and the coach should have enough experience to know when he needs extra advise from someone who knows more than him and this would also help the team.

I have an auntie who works for a newspaper so I can make sure we get good press all the time. We live in the information age so we need to tell people about the club on a regular basis and they would print what we tell them to print.

I also am a firm believer in IT and am keen to exploit the full potential of the internet. My six year old is a whizz with software and can do us an excellent, reasonably priced website complete with animations, scrolling text and flashing lights which would make the club look cool which would really help us.

I am also a team player and am ready to tell the coaching staff and players how to be successful.

I look forward to hearing from you

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